Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.”
― Iyanla Vanzant
Most people don’t walk around thinking, “I have low self-esteem.”
They think:
“I’m too much.”
“I’m not enough.”
“I always get it wrong.”
“People will leave if they really know me.”
Self-esteem isn’t a concept.
It’s the quiet story you tell yourself about who you are — and that story shapes how you experience the world.
When you believe you are unworthy, unsafe, or fundamentally flawed, the world doesn’t feel neutral. It feels critical, rejecting, and hard to trust. Not because the world is cruel, but because your nervous system is braced for disappointment.
How you view yourself becomes how you interpret everything.
Is your inner critic running your life — and you’re exhausted from trying to keep up?
Low self-esteem isn’t a lack of confidence or motivation. It’s often the result of early experiences that taught your nervous system how to stay safe by shrinking, pleasing, or disappearing. Therapy can help you understand those patterns, soften the inner critic, and build a relationship with yourself that isn’t ruled by shame or fear.
Our counselling services are available to residents of British Columbia.
The Roots of Low Self-Esteem
Low self-esteem doesn’t develop overnight. It’s often the result of various experiences and influences throughout our lives. One of the most significant factors is our early attachment experiences. As children, the way we bond with our primary caregivers forms the foundation of our self-esteem. Secure attachments, characterized by consistent love and support, help us develop a strong sense of self-worth. Conversely, insecure attachments, where caregivers are inconsistent, neglectful, or overly critical, can lead to a fragile and uncertain self-image.
As we grow, these early experiences are compounded by other factors. Traumatic events, such as abuse or loss, can deeply affect how we view ourselves, often embedding feelings of worthlessness or inadequacy. These painful experiences can become internalized, making it difficult to develop a positive self-image. The lingering effects of trauma can influence our interactions, relationships, and overall mental health, perpetuating a cycle of low self-esteem.
In addition to early attachment and traumatic experiences, societal influences play a significant role in shaping our self-esteem. Social comparisons, particularly in the age of digital media, can exacerbate feelings of inferiority. Constant exposure to curated and often unrealistic portrayals of others’ lives can make us feel inadequate. Furthermore, negative self-talk, where we internalize and repeat critical and harsh judgments about ourselves, can perpetuate low self-esteem. Recognizing these roots helps us understand that our relationship with ourselves is not fixed but can be reshaped with effort and awareness.
The Impact of Social Media on Self-Esteem
We have all had the experience of scrolling through social media and feeling defeated and disillusioned an hour or two later. The social media landscape of today is more deceptive than ever before. People continue to show the “highlight reel” of their lives and seldom look the same in real life as their filtered images would have you believe. This can lead to unhealthy comparisons, making us feel inadequate or envious. The use of filters and photo-editing apps distorts reality, promoting unrealistic beauty standards and fostering body image issues.
Additionally, the pursuit of likes, comments, and followers can lead to a dependence on external validation, undermining our intrinsic sense of self-worth. Cyberbullying and negative comments can also have a detrimental impact, especially on younger users.
Despite these challenges, social media can also be a powerful tool for enhancing self-esteem when used mindfully and intentionally.
Building a Healthier Relationship with Ourselves
Our relationship with ourselves is the most important one we have. It affects our mental health, our relationships with others, and our ability to achieve our goals. Improving self-esteem requires commitment and the willingness to confront and change deep-seated beliefs and patterns. Here are some strategies to help increase self-esteem:
1. Self-Awareness and Acceptance
Begin by acknowledging your strengths and accomplishments. If this is hard to do, ask a loved one or friend what they see in you and why. We often see ourselves through a different lens than others see us. Recognize that everyone has flaws and that these imperfections do not diminish your worth. Practicing self-compassion is crucial—treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer someone else.
2. Challenge Your Thoughts
Cognitive restructuring is a powerful technique that involves becoming aware of your automatic thoughts, particularly those that are self-critical or overly pessimistic. Keeping a thought journal can be helpful in tracking these thoughts and identifying recurring negative patterns. Once identified, evaluate their validity by asking whether these thoughts are based on facts or assumptions. Consider alternative explanations or perspectives to create a more balanced view. For example, if you think, “I’m not good enough,” challenge this by listing your accomplishments and strengths.
3. You Are Not Your Mistakes
We all mess up. If the image we hold of ourselves is coloured by every mistake we have ever made, we could potentially feel pretty bad about ourselves. We are not the sum of our mistakes; we are human beings, worthy of love, respect, kindness and acceptance of who we are. If that sounds polyannish, it may be time for you to look at why you are so hard on yourself and what you believe about a person’s worthiness. You are the sum of all your parts, not just the parts you aren’t proud of.
4. Throw Out The Accolades
Some people grow up believing that their value is conditional on their success. Society tells us our worth is based on how smart we are, or our beauty, strength and wealth. These are the things we do and the exterior of how we look, but they are not the reasons why people love us or value us. Who we are and how we feel about ourselves is based on the qualities we hold in our core, such as love, kindness, compassion, creativity, wisdom etc.
5. Use Social Media to your Advantage
Rather than following people who promote a certain look or lifestyle that may feel out of reach, instead curate your feed to follow accounts that inspire and uplift you. Take regular breaks from your phone to reconnect with yourself, and engage authentically by sharing content that reflects your true self. Joining positive online communities can provide a sense of belonging and affirmation, while setting boundaries on your social media usage helps prevent it from consuming too much of your day.
6. Try Parts Work
One powerful approach to improving self-esteem is through parts work, particularly the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model. The core concept of IFS is that our mind is made up of various “parts,” each with its own feelings, thoughts, and roles. These include protectors, which shield us from pain, and exiles, which hold deep-seated shame and trauma. As we work towards a compassionate dialogue between our core Self and these parts, we can heal old wounds and transform negative self-beliefs. Understanding that our inner critic is trying to protect us allows us to approach it with empathy, leading to a more harmonious internal system and improved self-esteem.
Next Steps
Some signs that you are struggling with low self esteem include feeling insecure in relationships, experiencing social anxiety, poor body image, people pleasing behaviours, and not advocating for yourself. If you recognize some of these behaviours and feelings in yourself, try seeking out support through therapy. As you learn to love and accept yourself, people will be drawn to your inner calm and confidence and the world will seem like a more friendly place.