Have you ever felt stuck in a cycle of behaviour that seems to contradict your happiness and well-being, even when you consciously want things to be different? One minute you are on track to achieve your goals and the next you find yourself doing everything possible to blow them out of the water This is the paradox of self-sabotage.

We have all done it at some point: Often, it leaves us in a state of confusion and frustration as to why we would do the one thing that ensures we don’t get what we want.

Understanding Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage feels like you are in a battle with yourself with one part of you seeking happiness while another part seems determined to derail those efforts. Take someone who is committed to adopting healthier habits, such as exercising regularly and eating better. They begin feeling motivated, but soon find themselves skipping workouts, opting for fast food, and staying up late, despite knowing these choices hinder their progress.

For some this kind of self-sabotage may stem from a fear of failure and a need for emotional comfort. For others it may be that they feel undeserving of a healthy body. For someone else, it may be more about trying to sustain a change that doesn’t work for their lifestyle.

Why We Self Sabotage

This internal conflict is common and rooted in our psychological makeup. It is typically driven by parts of ourselves that have learned to protect us in some way, even if their methods seem counterproductive. These parts may have developed in response to past trauma, fear of failure, fear of success, or low self-worth.

Understanding the intentions behind these conflicted parts can help you begin to heal them. As you see their protective intentions, this can shift your perspective from frustration to one of compassion, enabling you to work with these parts rather than against them.

Identifying Your Self-Sabotaging Patterns

Recognizing self-sabotage is the first step toward breaking free from it. Here are some common signs:

• Procrastination: You delay or avoid tasks that are important to your goals, even when you know completing them is in your best interest.
• Negative Self-Talk: You constantly criticize yourself or expect the worst, undermining your confidence and motivation.
• Perfectionism: You set unattainably high standards for yourself, leading to paralysis, burnout, or a sense of failure when you can’t meet them.
• Self-Isolation: You push others away or avoid social situations, even when connection would support your well-being.
• Impulsive Behaviours: You engage in actions that provide immediate relief but have long-term negative consequences, like overeating, overspending, or substance use.

How to Overcome Self-Sabotage

Overcoming self-sabotage involves understanding what’s really going on inside you and finding ways to work with, not against, yourself. Here are some simple strategies:

1. Catch Negative Thoughts: Pay attention to when you start thinking negatively about yourself or your abilities. When you notice these thoughts, try to challenge them. Ask yourself, “Is this really true?” or “What evidence do I have for this thought?” Given that most of our thoughts and behaviours run on auto-pilot, this strategy necessitates regular check-ins with yourself and slowing down.

2. Be Kind to Yourself: Instead of beating yourself up for making mistakes, try to treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Remember that everyone struggles sometimes, and it’s okay to not be perfect.

3. Understand Your Inner Voices: Take some time to think about the different “voices” or “sides” of yourself. For example, maybe one part of you is really driven to succeed, but another part is scared of what might happen if you fail. By understanding these parts, you can start to work with them instead of letting them sabotage your efforts.

4. Take Small Steps: If you’re avoiding something because it feels overwhelming, break it down into smaller, more manageable steps. This can make it easier to get started and build momentum.

5. Stay Present: When you feel overwhelmed or anxious, try grounding exercises like deep breathing or focusing on what’s around you. This can help you stay calm and make better choices instead of reacting out of fear or anxiety.

6. Develop Self-Compassion: Cultivating self-compassion is crucial in addressing self-sabotage. Understand that the parts working against you developed as coping mechanisms, so approach them with kindness and empathy. Practice self-compassion by acknowledging your struggles without judgment and offering yourself forgiveness and understanding

7. Consider What You May be Afraid of: If you make a positive life change or you get the thing you really want, what might the possible downside to that be? Sometimes when we self sabotage we do so to protect ourselves from the downside of that thing we want.

Nurturing the Desire for Change

As you think about the different parts of you that are in conflict, consider which of them you want to be in the driver’s seat of your life. The one that is seeking positive change is currently being overrun by a part or parts that have concerns about what that change will mean.

Pay attention instead to that part of you that craves happiness and fulfillment. What are their hopes and dreams? What do they need to thrive? By actively listening to this part, you allow it to be in the driver’s seat of your life.

Set clear and intentional goals that align with your values and desires. Break these goals into manageable steps and celebrate your progress along the way. Intentional goal-setting can help direct your energy towards positive change and reduce the influence of self-sabotaging behaviours.

Creating Lasting Change

Breaking free from self-sabotage isn’t something that happens overnight, but with patience and practice, you can start to change these patterns. By being more aware of your thoughts and actions, understanding the different parts of yourself, and practicing self-kindness, you can start to make choices that support your goals rather than undermine them.

Remember, self-sabotage often comes from a place of fear or self-protection. These patterns are usually deeply rooted in past experiences, particularly those related to attachment and early relationships, and can stem from underlying beliefs such as “I’m not good enough” or “I don’t deserve happiness.” By reflecting on your behaviours and noticing when and where they occur, you can begin to identify the specific self-sabotaging patterns that hold you back.

At Safe Haven Counselling we are here to support you on this journey of healing and growth. You have the power to stop sabotaging your happiness and embrace the life you deserve.