You know you need to say no, but your throat tightens the moment you try. Guilt creeps in, whispering things like, “You’re being selfish,” or “This will create conflict.” Setting boundaries without feeling guilty is hard.
So instead of setting a boundary, you shrink yourself. You say yes when you mean no. You smile when something doesn’t feel okay. You keep giving — until there’s nothing left.
If that feels familiar, you’re not alone in this struggle. Setting boundaries without feeling guilty can feel incredibly difficult, especially if you’ve been taught that being a “good” person means being agreeable, available, or endlessly accommodating. But boundaries don’t shut people out — they protect your peace and help you show up more honestly with others and with yourself.
At Safe Haven Counselling in Surrey, we guide people through building boundaries that feel kind, clear, and rooted in self-respect.
Why Guilt Often Shows Up with Boundaries
Guilt isn’t proof that you’re doing something wrong — it’s often a leftover response from earlier conditioning.
You might feel guilty because:
- You grew up learning that putting others first is the right thing to do
- You fear conflict or being disliked
- People praised you for being selfless
- No one ever modelled what healthy boundaries look like
When you start honouring your own limits, guilt can feel like an alarm bell — even when you’re doing exactly what you need.
How to Set Boundaries (and Actually Feel Okay About It)
You don’t need to overhaul your entire life to start. One small shift at a time is enough.
1. Get Clear on What You Need
Pause and ask:
- What do I need right now?
- What feels off?
- What would feel better?
Naming your needs creates clarity — and gives you a place to speak from.
2. Start Small and Practice Often
Begin with low-stakes situations. Say no to an extra task. Ask for a pause in a conversation. Send a text instead of taking a phone call. The more you practice, the easier it gets. This will start you on the path for setting boundaries without feeling guilty.
3. Use Simple, Kind Language
Boundaries don’t need long explanations or apologies. Try:
- “I won’t be able to make it.”
- “I need some quiet time tonight.”
- “That topic feels a bit heavy — can we shift gears?”
You’re not being rude. You’re being honest.
4. Let Guilt Show Up — But Don’t Let It Lead
Guilt might still appear. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong. Let it be part of the process without letting it run the show. As you keep practicing, guilt loses its grip and your confidence grows, making setting boundaries without guilt much easier.
5. Remember Why Boundaries Matter
Boundaries protect your time, energy, and emotional wellbeing. They help you stay grounded and reduce resentment, burnout, and over-commitment. They also allow your relationships to become more mutual, respectful, and real.
You deserve to take up space. Saying no kindly is possible, without apology. You deserve to matter in your own life — without feeling guilty for it.
Support for Healthy Boundary-Setting at Safe Haven Counselling, Surrey, BC
If you’re ready to stop people-pleasing and start honouring yourself, therapy can help you build boundaries that feel empowering, not harsh.
Safe Haven Counselling offers in-person sessions in Surrey and White Rock, with virtual counselling available across British Columbia. We’re here to support you as you find your voice — and start using it.
