Why do we still look up our exes on social media, even years later, curious about who they’re with and what they’re doing?
Why do we replay old arguments in our minds or wonder what might have been if things had gone differently?
Maybe you’ve found yourself scrolling through old messages or looking at photos on your phone long after the relationship ended. It’s like a part of you is stuck in a time loop, even though you know deep down that holding on is keeping you from moving forward.
So, why is it so hard to let go, even when it’s clear that the relationship is over?
Letting go isn’t just about making a decision to move on; it’s about untangling the emotional and psychological threads that keep you tethered to the past. These threads are often deeply woven into our attachment patterns and unresolved wounds.
Here’s why letting go can feel impossible—and how to begin the process of truly releasing a relationship that no longer serves you.
Unresolved Attachment Wounds
At the heart of this struggle often lies a history of unresolved attachment wounds. If you’ve experienced unpredictable or unavailable caregiving in your early years, your brain may have learned to hold on to love in a way that feels desperate or anxious. This can lead you to cling to relationships that mirror those early experiences, even when they’re painful. You’re not just holding on to a person—you’re clinging to the hope that love won’t slip away again.
The Lure of the Fantasy
It’s easy to get caught up in the “what ifs” and “could have beens,” imagining how things might have turned out differently if only circumstances had changed. We find ourselves daydreaming about the perfect version of the relationship rather than acknowledging the reality of what it was. This idealized version becomes a kind of emotional quicksand, keeping us stuck in a narrative that never truly existed. Letting go means coming to terms with what was real, not what we wished it could be.
Fear of What Comes Next
Even when a relationship is over, the fear of what comes next can feel paralyzing. What if you never find someone else? What if you’re alone forever? These fears can create a false sense of safety in clinging to what’s familiar, even if it’s not healthy. It’s not uncommon to choose the discomfort we know over the uncertainty of the unknown. But holding on to the past only keeps you stuck in a place that no longer fits who you are becoming.
Inner Conflict
Sometimes, letting go feels impossible because different parts of you are in conflict. One part may feel relieved the relationship is over, while another part is terrified of being abandoned or rejected. These inner battles can make it hard to move forward because, deep down, you’re not sure which part to trust. Recognizing these conflicting parts and working through their fears and needs is essential for breaking free.
Steps to Start Letting Go
- Reconnect with Your Core Self: The journey to letting go begins with reconnecting to the essence of who you are, separate from any relationship. Who are you beneath the layers of your roles and attachments? Spend time in reflection, journaling, or meditation, exploring your deepest values, desires, and sense of self. This connection to your core will be your anchor when old memories and emotions resurface.
- Honour Your Emotional Needs Without External Validation: It’s tempting to seek comfort and security in another person, especially after a breakup. Instead, try to meet your emotional needs from within. When feelings of loneliness or insecurity arise, ask yourself what part of you needs attention and how you can nurture it yourself. This could mean giving yourself permission to grieve, practicing self-compassion, or creating a ritual that symbolizes releasing the relationship.
- Challenge the Narratives: Take a closer look at the stories you’re telling yourself about this relationship. Are you believing that you’ll never find happiness again or that you’re unworthy of love without that person? Challenge these thoughts by considering alternative perspectives. What if your happiness isn’t dependent on anyone else but is something you cultivate within yourself? Rewriting these narratives can help you see the situation in a new light and empower you to let go.
- Cultivate a Secure Inner Base: True security comes from within, not from others. Focus on developing a strong, compassionate inner dialogue. Challenge the critical voices that tell you you’re not good enough or that you need someone else to feel complete. Replace them with affirmations of your worth and resilience. This will help you break the habit of looking to others to provide the validation you can give yourself.
- Release the Past by Embracing Presence: Often, our attachment to the past is rooted in not being fully present. Practice mindfulness to anchor yourself in the present moment. Notice when your mind drifts to the past and gently bring it back to what’s happening here and now. Grounding yourself in the present helps you let go of what was and opens you to what is and what could be.
- Create Meaningful Rituals for Closure: Sometimes, letting go requires a tangible act. Create a ritual that symbolizes releasing the relationship and reclaiming your energy. This could be writing a letter to your ex (that you never send) expressing everything you need to say, and then burning it. Or you could gather mementos of the relationship and create a small ceremony to thank them for the lessons they brought, before letting them go. This helps your mind and heart understand that it’s time to move forward.
- Trust in Your Own Journey: Every ending is also a beginning, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Trust that this is part of your journey of growth and transformation. As you let go of what no longer serves you, you make space for something new and beautiful to emerge in your life—whether that’s a new relationship, a deeper connection with yourself, or simply peace.
Letting go isn’t about erasing the past; it’s about finding the courage to release what no longer serves you and stepping into the future with an open heart. It’s about becoming your own source of love, strength, and security. You deserve to move forward in a way that honors your growth and embraces what’s possible for your life ahead.
