“Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.”

― Brené Brown

I have had seasons in my life that included many friendships: high school, university, being a young mum, and being part of a religious community. There have also been times when friendships felt few and far between and I yearned for community. I am not someone who still has friends from elementary or high school; given that I moved half way across the world at the age of 26 it has been hard to maintain the friendships I left behind.

Perhaps you can relate? Seasons where community has been high and seasons where it has been low?

One thing I have learned across the years as I have rolled in and out of seasons of community is the value of friendships.

The Value of Friendships

In my early twenties I didn’t recognize the value of friendships and so when a new boyfriend would come along I would ditch my friends for the guy. When the breakup came, I looked for those friends for comfort and they were nowhere to be found. Go figure.

See, I needed those friends. I needed them because my family was distant and broken and I had moved as far away from them as possible. Friends became my chosen family. I see this often in my clients: those who have lost their closest relationships tend to build new relationships and hold them close. Family isn’t only the roots we are born from, it is also the roots we create.

Those who have close relationships with parents, siblings, cousins may not feel the need for friendships. Yet still I believe they have value beyond anything within the bounds of the family unit. We don’t choose our family, but we do choose our friends, which often means we invite people into our world who we want to share our time with. As we age, these tend to be the people who truly see us and have our backs. We choose the people who also choose us.

Annual Vs Perennial Friendships

Annual Friendships

I tend to think in images so when I’m counselling clients I use a lot of metaphors. With friendships my go to is the “annual versus perennial.” metaphor. I see friendships as being a lot like plants, with some being annuals and others perennials.

Annual friendships, much like annual plants, may have a shorter lifespan but bring intense bursts of joy and colour into our lives. These friendships often form in specific contexts or during particular life phases, such as school, a specific job, or a significant life event like a holiday or a training program. They can be intense and deeply impactful, with strong bonds formed quickly. However, once the context changes—like graduating from school or leaving a job—the friendship may fall away and die off. Despite their shorter duration, annual friends leave us with cherished memories and moments we hold onto for a lifetime.

Perennial Friendships

Perennial friendships, much like perennial plants, endure year after year, growing deeper and stronger over time. These friendships provide a sense of stability and continuity, adapting and evolving with the changing seasons of our lives. Unlike annual friendships, perennial friendships can withstand new life circumstances, such as moving to a new city, changing careers, or starting a family. The long-term history and shared experiences create a profound understanding and trust that is hard to replicate.

To balance and nurture these different types of connections, it’s important to appreciate the value both bring, stay present in annual friendships, invest in the longevity of perennial ones, and be open to the natural ebb and flow of relationships. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that annual friendships are wasted or “failed” relationships. Both of these types of friendships bring unique vale to our lives, just as the annual brings great colour to our garden over the summer months. Few relationships have the longevity of a lifetime.

Building and Nurturing Friendships

Making friends often become tougher as we age. I believe this is mainly due to our network shrinking as we move through the different stages of life. In our younger years we build relationships through school, extracurricular activities, and then in college. Once we move into the workforce we meet people through our job and whatever choices we make regarding long-term partnerships and building a family.

By the time we reach our thirties and forties, many close relationships have been formed and the mutual desire to build (and find time for) new friendships can wane.

Here are a few thoughts on building and nurturing friendships in those seasons of life when we crave community:

Be Intentional: Make a conscious effort to prioritize friendships. Set aside regular time for social activities, whether it’s a weekly coffee date or simply a phone call to catch up. Intentionally scheduling time with friends ensures that these relationships remain a priority despite busy schedules. Even a quick text to check in can go a long way in maintaining connections.

Engage in Shared Interests: Join clubs, groups, or classes that align with your interests. Shared activities naturally foster connections and provide common ground for new friendships. Whether it’s a book club, sports team, or hobby group, engaging in activities you enjoy can introduce you to like-minded individuals. Shared experiences create a strong foundation for lasting friendships.

Volunteer: Giving back to your community is a great way to meet like-minded people and form meaningful connections. Volunteering not only benefits others but also provides a sense of purpose and shared experience that can deepen bonds with fellow volunteers. This common goal can lead to strong, supportive friendships.

Embrace Technology: Use social media and online platforms to find local interest groups or reconnect with old friends. However, strive to move these interactions offline for deeper connections. Organize in-person meetups or video calls to strengthen your bonds beyond digital interactions. Technology can be a tool for maintaining connections, but it shouldn’t replace face-to-face interactions.

Show Appreciation: Express gratitude and appreciation for your friends. Acknowledge their support and let them know how much they mean to you. Simple gestures like a heartfelt message, a thoughtful gift, or spending quality time together can go a long way in nurturing friendships. Regularly expressing appreciation reinforces the bond and shows that you value the relationship.

Communicate Openly: Address conflicts and misunderstandings promptly and respectfully. Healthy communication is key to long-lasting friendships. Being honest and transparent with your friends about your feelings and concerns can prevent small issues from escalating and damaging your relationship. Open communication fosters trust and understanding, essential components of any strong friendship.

Be Consistent: Thought there may be times in life when we don’t have the capacity to show up for friends, do your best to remain a consistent present in their lives and they will (hopefully) do the same for you. In those times when you may be struggling, reach out. let your friends know what you need and be honest about what you can give. Friends who drop in and out (often referred to as “fair weather friends” will struggle to maintain relationships due to their inconsistent and unreliable presence. If you want to be valued as a friend, show your value to others by being a good friend to them.

Wired For Connection

We are wired for connection. Think about it; we have evolved from tribes and used to raise our babies together in villages. In the 21st century we are more connected and at the same time disconnected than ever before.

Friendships matter. Without them we don’t do well. We become increasingly lonely and our mental health suffers.

And yet we make excuses: too busy; too tired; too important. We allow our screens to become our place of connection because it’s easy—we don’t need to move from the couch. But I know when I’m 90 and looking back across the years I won’t be lamenting the fact that I didn’t have more time in front of a screen. If anything, I will lament the lack of time I made for real connections.